Marriage Overrated?

[StefiKittie]

Just tell me if this topic is stupid or too personal...

Is marriage overrated, just a legal peice of paper that can be torn up and thrown out on a whim? Or, Is it something more.

My parents have been dating on and off for the past 25 years and steady for the past 9, My father, who had a marriage and divorce in the time frame that he broke up with my mother, tells me that marriage doesn't mean anything.

I'm probably really stupid for this, but I honestly don't know what to believe. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years (as of May 24th) and the prospect of marriage isn't too far off... but what does that really mean?

I know what I want it to mean "For better or for worse, For richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health, til' Death do us part". However, I've been told by many people that believing that is just being idealistic.

So..... What do you think?:confused:

[Cireus]

I think that it depends on the couple. To some people, it is just a piece of paper. For others, it's a promise that it doesn't matter what happens, we'll do our best to work things through instead of bailing out because it'd be easier to do.

[cat_chan]

I think Cireus is right, it depends on the couple.

My parents had a horrible marriage, got divorced 8 years after and they're glad, that they don't have to see each other. My mother keeps lecturing me about how important it is to wait with marriage and that it's better to live with my boyfriend together for a few years.
I think I'm a person, who doesn't fits into a marriage and it isn't really much more than a paper to me, but maybe with the right person, I'd want to have a wedding.

[OROsan0677]

I totally agree with Cireus as well. It depends on the couple. My parents just celebrated their 25th anniversary on the 8th and I only remember one time that we (me and my siblings) thought that the marriage was over, but they stuck through it in the end; but I think it just depends on the couple as well; however, I do think that people my age are thinking about marriage way too soon lol.

[Hakuto]

^_^ I agree with Cireus as well haha. And this is a good topic because I think many people fall in love with the idea of marriage and rush into though I'm sure that's not always the case, hence it depends on the couple. I think my mother cemented it in my head the importance of marriage. But people are highly unpredictable, marriages sometimes fall apart because the couple grow apart from each other or come to realize things like one giving more than the other or the other always taking. My fiancé and I experienced the same thing, we were friends longer than the short time we were together but we had to go our separate ways. In that we saw it wouldn't work before we actually made it official. So I don't think marriage is overrated. I think maybe the idea that people are pursuing in some cases, the whole idea of having someone to be your rock during the hard times and be only yours and a lot of people see marriage not just the legal documentation as permanence. No more searching or come and go lovers.

[StefiKittie]

Thank you all for posting :)

I agree with you Cireus, what you said makes much sense now that I think about it. Has anyone ever told you that you are a very wise woman? Every time I have ever posted a question on here your answers have always been thoughtful and helpful. Thank you, for that.

It's hard for me when there is no such thing as a concrete answer (no depending variables), but considering that Adam (my boyfriend) and I both think highly of marriage it help make a concrete answer for are particular situation. So the meaning of marriage will be whatever we make it out to be. :)


... I think it just depends on the couple as well; however, I do think that people my age are thinking about marriage way too soon lol.

I do see your point many younger couples rush into things and end up regretting it later... but I don't think that its something that is based on age alone. Due to the length and seriousness of the relationship its only natural to start considering the next level of commitment. Adam (21) is almost done with college and he's 2 years older than me, I have 2 years left of college... Thinking 1-2 years ahead is practical, as opposed to if we were much younger and thinking 10 years ahead.

[Cireus]

I totally agree with Cireus as well. It depends on the couple. My parents just celebrated their 25th anniversary on the 8th and I only remember one time that we (me and my siblings) thought that the marriage was over, but they stuck through it in the end; but I think it just depends on the couple as well; however, I do think that people my age are thinking about marriage way too soon lol.

I think it depends MORE on the couple, actually. Age is a factor, sure, but in the end it's still a question of your values. I had just turned 20 and Eric was about to turn 18 when we got married. This year will be our fourteenth anniversary ... and I'm still glad I married him.

And thanks, Stefi. I'm not sure about wise. It's just something that should be understood if you stop and think about it :)

[betsytheripper]

I believe that the biggest problem with marriage now is that it seems to be cheapened. Last I heard, over 50% of all marriages end in divorce (in the US). I think that many people get married because they don't actually think about the marriage being something that is supposed to last the rest of your life, and they don't really know that they absolutely love and are dedicated to each other. The line "'Til death do us part" is an utter lie, it seems. I believe that a couple getting married should be together for four, five, maybe six years before actually tying the knot. And it is said that one should always be engaged for six to nine months before getting married, because that gives you enough time to think and maybe say that it's not really what you want.
I'm a believer in marriage is until the end. It's a promise, and I try my damnedest to keep promises. I also grew up in a house without married parents. It's not that they're divorced, they just never got married, and I think that it's a perfectly acceptable option.
I suppose what I'm really saying is, if marriage means "bound for life" to you, then only do it if you absolutely know with every fiber of your being that your boyfriend is the one for you. Some people, it takes 10 years to figure it out, some people take 2. Also, if marriage doesn't mean "bound for life" to the person you consider marrying, then don't do it, as they may want to divorce when things get hard, and that's not fair to compromise your beliefs.

[cjflutterbye]

Marriage is just a means of showing to all that you are a family now in the conventional sense.
In the end, it is just the legal step to show you as a couple.

Love is what needs to be worked on, with or without a legal document.
It takes a lot of work to be a couple.

I've been with my 'husband' for just shy of 25 years.
We have lived together for at least 20.
We have two kids.
We are a family.
We are not married.

We were not always 'happy' and there were times when I think we were both convinced it was to broken to fix, but we got through it.
But that is what working on staying in love will do.

So, take your commitment as far as you want, if being married is for you -do it, if you love him/her with all your heart as well as your head, and are willing to work hard at it - go with what makes you both happy.


oh - and my man and I are getting married in March
If you in Las Vegas March 18, 2008, look us up at The Chapel - I'll be the bride in purple. LOL

[DawnFire]

omg CJ!!! That is SO exciting! Congratulations! hehe even if you guys have been together for a long time, to me marriage is something beautiful and is more symbolic than anything. heh of course I'm not married yet, need to find a boyfriend first XD But still, I am so excited for you guys, you need to take lots of pictures and show us!

[StefiKittie]

Congrats CJ! :D The chapel...Purple....eh? I like your style :D LOL

[cjflutterbye]

I'm to old, and have two kids -
- white is not my color - I feel best in purple

[gaidin]

Uuu purple bride sounds so stunning, I'm looking forward to loads of pics too! And al those years together, I'm just hoping I'll achieve that myself one day...anyway, congrats! ^^

[darkparagon]

I think it depends on your own personal believes and lifestyles, I don't personally believe in marrage, as I think its just a legal document, but I also understand the importance of marrage for other people, such as their personal, moral, social and religious reasons, as long as people in a relationship are happy together most of the time, then I'm pleased for them married or not. So I don't really think that it is over rated.

WOW a purple bride, I've never heard of someone doing that colour before, I guess it would look lovely ^^

[StefiKittie]

CJ, I hope you didn't think I was trying to pick on you. I read what I wrote and realized that it could be taken wrong. I was serious, I'm all for the non-conventional.


My mother told me I should get married in a red kimono, because red suits me. Wonder what she meant by that....:sly: Ha! She's also the one who popped in to the conversation when I asked Adam what he wanted to do that day, and said "I think you two should go to Las Vegas and get hitched." LOL!

[cjflutterbye]

No worries - I don't feel picked on - I'm really all about the unconventional. And thank you all for your well wishes.

And why not a red-kimono, or a purple dress - it is a special day and you both should wear what makes you happiest.

really - my bottom line on this whole thing...

If you can find anybody that you love and that loves you back - you are lucky. You do for that relationship what you need to do to keep your love happy. In the end that is what we all want. To be happy and to have someone special to share happiness with.

[britshilia]

I see many have their own perceptions on what marriage is. I know I don't have much knowledge or experience to talk about either… but I do know that it’s our way of life that differentiate and influence us on whether to walk that path of marriage or not. Well if you think about it and notice that different people have different background and understanding on the true meaning of marriage which inevitably makes them feel safe or insecure about it.

I come from a country that pretty much believes in marriage because we don’t believe that two people (Man and Woman) that don’t have any kind of bond should live together without marriage. This maybe sensitive issue but marriage is very sacred to us even the word “divorced” is taboo for some people here.

I could talk all day about this lol… but I don’t want to bore you guys with that… hehe

[kamp]

in my opinion, marriage is about legal recognition, an acknowledgement of intent and security. that said, i don't really believe in marrying for love (or whim). you can love someone all your life and marriage becomes the one thing that destroys it. while you can marry your best friend/companion with "true love" never being a part of it.

marriage is about intent and expectation. as long as you know what you're getting into before you get into it, then you should be all right. but if your wedding vows are the only reason why you're still together, then you're better off alone.

[moon44]

I myself get nervous when I think about marriage. On one hand it is very comforting to have someone by your side who will support you and always be with you - on the other hand it's kind of final. When do you really know if you want to be together with someone for the *rest of your life* ?

Should you test out first if the daily routine if your living together don't kill your love ?
What if you change your working place and have to move to an other city ? (happened to my best friend and her boyfriend left her immediatly after two years of "happy love" :( )

I don't know - it's just that most of the married couples around me seem to be very unhappy - some of them even talk about divorce. Stress with their children and their work and the daily routine resulted in constant quarrels.

To stay together with one person for your whole life sounds very romantic - but maybe it's kind of unrealistic to think this will work out well....

But being alone also sounds terrible - it's a dilemma.

[Dragon Blood]

Marriage should be a bond between the people who seriously love each other...Everyone has someone out there....and as for being alone....well....no one has to be alone....of course everyone seems to think that they should be...so Marriage overrated...Never!

[Luminous Sun]

It all depends on the personalitites of the couple. The strength of a marriage is determined by the ability of either party to repair any form of damage that arises in the relationship. Overrated? Not a chance. Marriage is a custom that was passed on for many generations until it became integrated into even the ruling government of a country. Literally, a couple does not truly need marriage to live together anyway.

Oh and by the way, the sayings that the priest tell you when you marry are just a formality. In reality, not many people actually bother to follow it seriously and only use it early in their marriage before they grow accustomed to each other and their relationship.

But truth be told, you will have to try out marriage to truly find out the answer for yourself.

After all, this is all speculation. Is there anybody there that has actual experience give us an in depth explanation on this?

[ponytale]

I think marriage can be a beautiful thing that it is supposed to be (idealist? ^^") and it gives a "tangible" goal and connection for the couple that has chosen the path.

It depends on the couple's beliefs of course. I do believe that marriage is for life and that one remembers his/her marriage vows and would try to work things out, rather than taking off at the first sign of trouble.

[NemiYaoiFan]

As a lot of people have already stated here that it depends on the couple, I agree. Marriage isn't for everyone.
But I also think it's a bit overrated. For some reason marriage has been a bit glorified, many people think that marriage is easy and a way to mend a troubled relationship, and that usually just makes things even worse.
I think marriage is something people really have to think about before they go through with it. It's not a walk on roses, it's hard work on both parts.
I don't see myself as the marrying type, but if I met a guy I really loved and was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and HE wanted to get married, I probably would say yes. But as far as I'm concerned, we could just live together and not get married too.
My best friend is married and that works for her. I'm really glad for her because I want her to be happy. And if there are times there are problems between them and she comes to me to talk, I will listen to her and support her in any way I can.
I know that she is in this marriage for life, and THAT seriousness is something I don't see very often. I feel that many people just give up and get divorsed, because that is simpler than really talk to eachother and work on the problems. But of course this does not include everyone, some people really SHOULD get a divorse and some people really SHOULD NOT get married.
But this is just my opinions...

[Cireus]

I think, too, that other things need to be taken into consideration. On the practical side of it, let's say that you have two couples. Both couples are the same in that they have a family, and in both families, the main breadwinner dies or is grossly incapacitated. In that situation, the children of the deceased would be able to get benefits from social security, etc, but only the married spouse would be able to do the same. In the same way, if something happened to the one of them, only the married spouse would be able to make decisions regarding the indigent care of their significant other. It sucks, but it's the law. It wouldn't matter if you knew that the one you loved would never want to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means (in the case of one who has no chance of recovering), you wouldn't be able to do a thing but watch.

Marriage is work, and marriage takes two people who are likeminded in the desire to be together despite the hardships that they face, and while I agree that people need not yield to convention in order to express their love of one another, there are other aspects that should be considered, especially when children are involved. Having had a friend who was caught in the prior predicament (her long time boyfriend was a police officer. He was shot in the head in the line of duty. 0% voluntary brain activity, and in spite of her knowledge that he would never want to exist in that state, she could do nothing when his family insisted that maybe there'd be a 'miracle'. She watched him be like that for over four months until his liver finally shut down. They had an eight year old son, and she ended up having to take a second shift factory job just to get by because his insurance wouldn't pay out her because she wasn't a relative and he'd never specified the beneficiary. The money is in trust for their son, and she maintains that it should be, but in the meanwhile, she's scraping just to get by, and as anyone should realize, working second shift when you have a school age child is not a good thing. If he had a living will, then things might be different, but that's not really something that most people think about, is it?

Do I think the laws are fair? Nope. Too bad that that's how it is.

[Xehanort]

Just tell me if this topic is stupid or too personal...

Is marriage overrated, just a legal peice of paper that can be torn up and thrown out on a whim? Or, Is it something more.

My parents have been dating on and off for the past 25 years and steady for the past 9, My father, who had a marriage and divorce in the time frame that he broke up with my mother, tells me that marriage doesn't mean anything.

I'm probably really stupid for this, but I honestly don't know what to believe. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years (as of May 24th) and the prospect of marriage isn't too far off... but what does that really mean?

I know what I want it to mean "For better or for worse, For richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health, til' Death do us part". However, I've been told by many people that believing that is just being idealistic.

So..... What do you think?:confused:


Been meaning to get this off my chest for quite some time. Marriage is such a sensitive word to me now. Heck, I'm far too young to be thinking about it (I'm 18), but in my career field in the Air Force, I've seen people marrying each other only for the money benefits, marry out of school (my specific schooling is 13 weeks), and yes come married into the service. I admire them for coming in married, but hell...they divorce not too long after. Why? Their jobs keep them away from their loved ones for days at a time, not to mention bringing home the stress of work.

Where am I going with all of this? Marriage is one of the hardest commitments to stand by. And it's not just in my world that it's hell in, I'm know there are other careers that have similar if not stronger adverse effects on marriages. Personally, if you and your partner do not believe without a shadow of a doubt that you're ready, then it's not time. Don't go in for the money, and it won't fix the relationship either. If you're having problems when you're dating, then how are you going to last for the rest of your life? I don't know, I'm probably too young to really give a full opinion on it, but from what I've seen if you're not prepared, it's a disaster and it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be a positive highlight of your lifetime.

Anyway, I'm done with my rant/opinion. XD

[Cireus]

Absolutely, Xehanort. I wasn't trying to imply that monetary concerns should overshadow anything else. I was assuming that people would understand that I meant in the case of couples who ARE already in a committed relationship, one way or another, not ones whose primary concern is just money. I hope you knew that :)

[Dragon Blood]

Money shouldn't matter too much, I mean people should be happy no matter what if they are with the person they truly love, right? To share the joy that they have together.

[Cireus]

I hate to tell you, but money DOES matter. If you're too worried about how you're going to bury someone then you're not having the proper time to mourn, either. It isn't the MOST important thing, but it does matter.

[Faded Enmity]

Money shouldn't matter too much, I mean people should be happy no matter what if they are with the person they truly love, right? To share the joy that they have together.

In a perfect world, maybe. But this isn't a perfect world. You need money. It's important for more than just the reason Cireus stated (but that one as well). Also, the world doesn't revolve around a couple. Just because you love each other and want to be happy together doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea. What if you love your parents and want to be around them but they hate your spouse? What are you going to do? Is it the right course of action to say "screw you" to your parents just because you supposedly love this person? Probably not, no matter what either of you may think. It would certainly not be okay for that person to expect it of you.

And I say that as a "this person" in a relationship.

There's no guarantee that love equals happiness. You might want it to but that's not how it works.

[PatAce]

Marriage (to me) is not something that I look forward to. Personally I've had a bad example with my parents about what marriage is. Both of them constantly argue, and I HATE the way that my father sometimes treats my mother. Now please don't take me wrong, I'm not talking about abuse or any stuff like that, but he just takes her for granted, and constantly demands stuff, and he constantly makes the decisions regarding whatever without really asking for her opinion. Now to me that's not a marriage, I'm only 19 here, but as far as I'm aware I thought that in a marriage both partners are supposed to make the decisions regarding the family, and that each one has to appreciate and support each other and work TOGETHER as a COUPLE to keep the family bond. That's why I think that the whole marriage thing is overrated, because I rarely see all the happy things that people talk about, so in a way, I've been scared away from the idea of getting married, 'cuzz I wonder that if I do enter a marriage and end up in a relationship like the one my parents have, that I would be completely miserable ~_~....

[xtiine]

well i think marriage is something that is realie important. it tells each other that they r serious about this relationship and it also shares the couples commitment and happiness to their family and friends.

[vella_leonard]

Just tell me if this topic is stupid or too personal...

Is marriage overrated, just a legal peice of paper that can be torn up and thrown out on a whim? Or, Is it something more.

My parents have been dating on and off for the past 25 years and steady for the past 9, My father, who had a marriage and divorce in the time frame that he broke up with my mother, tells me that marriage doesn't mean anything.

I'm probably really stupid for this, but I honestly don't know what to believe. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years (as of May 24th) and the prospect of marriage isn't too far off... but what does that really mean?

I know what I want it to mean "For better or for worse, For richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health, til' Death do us part". However, I've been told by many people that believing that is just being idealistic.

So..... What do you think?:confused:
Hi!
i think a marriage is something beautiful to those who know what it means and that the couple knows that it will love each other for many years.
BUT:
i know also that love is nothing for ETERNITY
it is first a funny feeling in ur belly, than love and after many years u just have the feeling the other person belongs to ur live. if that happens... the people get devorced or live together in peace.

u have to think all the points over and i tell u a marriage is something beautiful and even if u get devorced most time will be wonderful if u really mean the part "For better or for worse, For richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health, til' Death do us part". just be shure urself the rest will go its way...
cya
newbie Vella

[StefiKittie]

4 years-two months and counting.......we went to go look at rings at about 6 different places but he wont tell me which ring I'm getting or when I'm getting it.....not that I want to ruin the surprise...but I have a feeling with Adam's sense of romance I may very well bite into something hard embedded in my hamburger. :rolleyes:

[lullabysteel]

the term wife and husband are labels. Labels that follow the rules society gives them. if two people don't commit to themselves and each other, how then can they devote their lives to the pressure of a label. I believe you make your own title's. i know many content couple's with children who are not married. So in a sense know if you're dedicated to a person without labels and if you choose to let the world know of your relationship strap them on. (that's the only thing tittle's are really good for).

[darkangelthn]

I do think that marriage is overrated. Marriage in a sense is just the legal proceeding and just a piece of paper. It doesn't prove that two people belong together or that they love each other. It is just to that society will recognize that they are a married couple. Also it cuts through many legalities situation. However, if two peple whom really believe that they love each other and think that they should belong together than it should be enough. They don't need a piece of paper to prove anything. I guess I am a cynic in this aren't I? =)

[Binny922]

I don't think marriage is overrated but I do believe that people take marriage too lightly. I personally don't believe in marriage myself but I don't think that it is something that should be done because *AT the moment* two people believe in in forever. It's a piece of paper that sorts out the legal issues of being together (such as who gets what). But if two people are in love that piece of paper doesn't increase their love nor does not having it diminish their love. It's just been instilled in society that marriage is the only acceptable way two people in love should be together...

Which is not true at all.

I guess I feel like marriage isn't something necessary but it's not overrated either. It's just a choice that fits some better than others.

I guess I'm not all for the fairy tale happily ever after get married and be happy.

[kiwi99z]

Even though that I have seen lots of bad marriages, I do not think marriage is overrated. I still believe that if you love your partner and want to start a life with him/her, marriage is a pact in written document that ensures that both parties are together until death do you apart and/or divorce. It is a big commitment on both parties and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. Just my thoughts.

[disaxina]

Marriage gives the people involved a sense of security and makes them feel important. People in general, seek to legitimize a relationship via marriage. There are some people out there however who don't seek that sort of security for whatever reason and that is fine.

[Deity]

There is no reality to the definition of marriage, really. It's what you make it out to be in your mind, and whether or not that opinion is influenced by the opinions of others, or even the generalization of society - it's all subjective. An opinion. Collective views are still opinions, after all. But many treat those as 'norms'.

It is romantic to many, and it will continue to be for some, though to others - especially those who've been through tough times or troubled relationships, marriage loses its romantic, traditional stigma, and becomes reduced to signatures in a marriage registry. People argue that it's just paper. But your birth certificates and social security details are paper too (or digital data, depending on how advanced/developed your country is) - yet these are the meagre things that define you. Legally, anyway.

It would be correct to say, however, that marriage is not as prestigious/sacred as it was once made out to be. Religious stigmas have been flushed down the gutter of time, along with collective thinking and meta-narratives. Marriage is only what each couple defines it to be, now. It could be an eternal bond, a social stigma, for love, or even for financial purposes. The list goes on.

[kakashi_kun21]

i don't care for marriage, when you get married people change.